Sullen and sated???

Is it possible to sullen and sated at the same time?  According to Stone Sours' new song Gone Sovereign it is.  I always thought is was pretty much impossible to be depressed and yet completely satisfied at the same time.  But over the past few days I found that it is indeed possible to be sullen and sated at the same time.  You see I love my life.  I love my wife with all that I am.  I love all of my children near, far and adopted.  They might not think I do, but I do.  I love my job.  I know for a lot of people that is hard to understand.  But I really do love my job.  Name another job out there that gives you the chance to be able to operate the largest self propelled vehicle on land, on the planet.  You can't. A locomotive is the largest.  And I drive one.... EVERYDAY!!  I get to see parts of this state that most everyone else will never get to see.  I get to see the sun rise and the sunset along the coast.  I am actually a pretty lucky guy for not having a college education.  I have a pretty good life.  But I have dreams and goals just like everyone else.  Dreams and goals that I have wanted for a very long time.  Goals that are actually expectations for myself.  I expect myself to progress.  If there is a ladder to climb, I have to climb it.  In other words, if it is possible for me to be promoted to a higher position, then I have to take that chance and try for it.  I was able to do in the military, but for some reason I have only been able to progress one level in my civilian job.  I was able to go from conductor to locomotive engineer.  In no way am I saying that that is small progression, but I want to go higher.  I want to be that person that started in the craft, and retired in the big office.  I want to be that person that people can call upon to help them out.  Whether that is with union business, or with work things.  I want that selfless job.  Not for the pay, I want it because I want to better myself, and help people.  But when it comes to my dreams..... I can't get a break.  I work so hard follow my dreams.  I do everything that I can afford to do to make those dreams come true.  I read everything that I can get my hands on.  I go out and make myself known to people.  I work my ass off to show off my talent.  But then one day a person comes along that is just out tooling around and people start recognizing them more than me.  Now at first I am happy for that person.  And it makes me work harder.  But then I start to resent this person.  I want to be getting the recognition that that person is getting.  But I don't know all the people they do.  I'm not young and single and able to go out every night.  I chose to be married and have my family.  Now to some they would say.... "Well there's your problem.  You fucked up by getting married and having kids.  You can't have both."  But I know you can.  I know you can.  I refuse to believe that you can't have your dreams and your family at the same time.  Why?  Why can't I have both?  Why do I have to put my artistic talent to the side?

Ya know, I was starting to think that I am a failure.  One of my kids doesn't want me to even know that he is coming to Washington to visit his brothers.  So, tell me why I shouldn't think I am a failure?  I know that my wife loves me.  But sometimes I think that she is obligated to say those things because she is my wife.  I know that sounds retarded.  But it's how i feel.  My youngest child doesn't want to come to my house.  If he does he has an unusual way of showing it.  My wife tells me all the time that she loves my photography, and that I need to just get out there and shoot somethings.  But most times I don't feel like it's worth it.  Because no one even looks at the shots I do.  No on comments on them.  And sure as shit no ones to buy anything.  No I'm not doing it for the money.  But to every artist that is one of the biggest compliments you can get.  When people want to buy your art.  Whether it be song, paint, photograph or chisel. We take satisfaction when people buy our art because they enjoy it, and it brings joy and happiness to them in some way.  I want to be recognized for my talent.

My "daughter" told me something the other day that I thought only my wife would say about me.  And it is something that I have read over and over again.  She wrote.... "You're funny, you're handsome, you work hard, you're incredibly loyal, I love you more than anything, you make me feel important, you have one of the coolest jobs ever, you're a great dad, and a great husband... You're always smiling and laughing, you're the best snuggler I know... You're confident, but don't know how special you are.  You aren't afraid to talk about things, you have your own opinions, you aren't afraid to tell me when I'm wrong... You're a real man, ya know? You aren't afraid of hair and curves, you see people for how they really are. And you respect people for being real.  And you've lived so much. You haven't given up, even when you had every reason to. You've come out stronger. And you don't see me for all the things I've done wrong because you know that sometimes things happen.  You're tall, you're strong. You have facial hair, body hair. You're REAL. And you're more man than anyone I know."  Now out of all of that one thing stands out more than anything.  "And you've lived so much. You haven't given up, even when you had every reason to. You've come out stronger."  With that one line alone it tells me everything.  It tells me I haven't quit in the past, so why should I do it now?  You're right.  I shouldn't.  So I am not going to.  I am going to get back up and put my shoulder to the wheel and fight.  I have to.  Besides my family it's the only thing that keeps me sane.  Thank you K.  Thank you for telling your dad what he needed.  You may not be my blood daughter, but I love you like my own, and I always will.  My one and only daughter.

"I'm sullen and sated and you can't put a price on me.
I won't share this disarray, I won't pull these hands away
I need to be chosen and my God don't pray for me."